Conversion Therapy?

 

Imagine, if you will, that you were born gay. (Which I was!) There was never a doubt in your mind as to your sexuality whether you ever had sex or not. In times of poverty or stress, you knew you were gay. Old or young, you knew. Alone or in a crowd, there was no doubt in your mind.

Stretch your imagination a bit further and pretend someone hooked you on conversion therapy. (I know it’s a ridiculous notion, but this is all just make-believe.)

If you made it this far, assume you passed the course with flying colors.

But suddenly a naked man appears on the horizon and you feel a tingle down in the vicinity of your scrotum. You are turned on and, at the same time, pissed off because you actually believed you’d been converted.

You close your eyes, ignore the response, and affirm your newfound heterosexuality.

Until the next naked man appears.

And then there is a crowd of naked men, all young, well hung, and smiling in your direction.

With gargantuan effort, it is very difficult to convince yourself you are heterosexual.  

And, so it goes with me and my spirituality. The ego has had me in its clutches since the day I was born. Spirituality came along and convinced me I am not a body, I am free for I am as God created me.

I’ve absolved numerous courses to convince me that this is so, but every time a naked man appears on the horizon, doubt rears its ugly head and I am left wondering: who am I really?

When my thoughts disperse and I find myself fully in the now moment, I am convinced that I am (straight?)

With the advent of thought, or the temptation to punch someone in the nose, I fall back into the hold of the ego.

When is the conversion therapy going to kick in long enough that I am convinced I am straight? My butt is getting sore from all the meditations.