Alternatives (Premature Balding)

Alternatives

But why bitch about being bald? There are so many remedies to ease you out of your insecurities.

If you’re a woman, buy a wig. If you’re a man, don’t buy a wig. The only thing  less appealing than a bald-headed man is a bald-headed man with a toupee. Believe me. And, from the comments I hear, I am not alone. I advise a total head-shave, even if you’re only half bald. It gives you the feeling that you’re back in command, that YOU have decided to look this way, not nature. Granted, it adds a few years to appearence, but what you lose in youthfulness you gain in dignity.

Or, buy a hat. I currently have 2,517 hats of all shapes and sizes. I consider them a man’s alternative to a wig. The only downside is seeing the shock on peoples faces when the hat comes off by accident on a windy day, by reflex in a Catholic church, or to scratch one of the scabs that have developed by keeping the cap on for too long. 

Surgeon caps are also good, especially if you’re a surgeon. They are also appropriate in Zumba classes and yoga sessions and keep a lot of sweat out of your eyes.

 

There are also hair transplants, but these can be costly, especially if you’re planning on touching up more than a receding hair-line.

One technique I’ve never tried, but sounds logical in its application is to expose other parts of your body that are more prominent than your bald head. If you have über-dimensional genitals, leave your fly zipper open. Either that or skip putting on your underwear when getting dressed. Believe me, no one will look at your head if you port a sizable package between your legs. The same is true for women: if you have enormous breasts… rest assured, they will be your distinguishing feature, not your head. 

Tattoos? If you’re into pain, this is a great solution. If not, find another plan because this has to be about the most painful thing outside of a crucifixion. Believe me. A mosquito bit me on the top of my head once and it hurt like hell. The idea of some tattoo artist poking me with a needle for hours on end must be a hundred times worse.

Also good to consider is the crowd you run with. Some social circles frown on a full head tattoo. The fright factor should also to be taken into consideration.

Italian Tablecloths disguised as keffiyehs or babushkas pretending to be Hijabs: both do a fine job of covering up premature balding, especially n the Middle East. Be forewarned: due to the current up rise of racism in Europe and the United States, you might want to consider this as a last option. Being considered a terrorist is far worse than being considered old before your time.

If none of these techniques help heal your blues about balding, I suggest you stop feeling sorry for yourself and start pitying all those young souls who died with a full head of hair and were never able to flaunt their good luck when they were older.

Caring for others is also a great way to step outside of the ego, which was the cause of the problem from the very start!